Anger Management with Re-Frame Method

Anger management, sometimes not an easy task. I was speaking with a friend the other day; and she was really angry about an earlier interaction with a co-worker. In fact, she was so angry that she could barely even tell me about it without shouting. No matter how calm her normal demeanor is, at this particular moment, anger management was not on her mind.

At first I was able to clearly see her point and understand why she was angry. In fact, I was ready to validate her feelings and cheer her on! (Not what a friend should do, by the way.) Fortunately, as I was getting ready to jump on the anger band wagon,  I suddenly remembered Wayne Dyer.

Change The Way You Look at Things

I have read so many Wayne Dyer books that his quotes pop into my mind at strange moments. This was one of those moments. My favorite Wayne Dyer quote is:“change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” And, it is my favorite for a reason, because, it is complete truth.

The quote even inspired me to create my own “method” to help my clients with anger management. In that moment, I chose to smile and remind my friend of my RE-Frame method instead of cheering on her anger. Wayne would have been proud.

The REFRAME Method

R – Recognize your emotion. Ask yourself, what am I really angry about? Is it a slap to my ego or have I been truly wronged?

E – Examine how the situation would look if the emotion wasn’t factored in. Ask, what would I tell myself if I were a totally objective bystander?

F – Find alternative views. Think of your situation as a photograph. You view it from your current perspective, framed with your own emotional baggage and framework. OR, you can take the same photograph, and  choose a different frame. With a new frame the whole picture begins to take on a new life.

R – Remember that it isn’t personal. Most things simply are NOT about you. It may feel as if it is about you, it may even look as if it is about you. But, most of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Even if you are ultimately affected by circumstances, you were probably not the reason for the circumstances.

A – Accept that your own perspective is created by your emotions, thoughts and habits. You cannot be completely objective.

M – Make a conscious effort to let go of the resentment. Someone said that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Letting go of your anger is the first step in changing your own point of view.

E – Expect a positive result. Once you have taken all of the steps listed above you have to trust yourself to allow and expect a positive outcome

Easy but useful tool

It is a very simple tool but it works. However, just like anything new, it takes practice. My friend was in no mood to try it that day. We had to talk about it later when she was in a better mood. She will be ready the next time though!

Cynthia Corsetti, CPCC, MS is a certified career coach, executive coach and leadership speaker whose focus is on improving employee engagement.